A Post about Loss

The last week I have written up a zillion posts. None of them have been published because it just didn't seem right. Then yesterday I realized that I HAD to write this post so I can start healing. And not only for healing purposes, but because I never want to forget this experience.

They say that everything happens for a reason. I know this. We've been through a lot these past few years. I know Heavenly Father loves us all so much and He has to let us have trials. It's just as I feel about my own children and watching them struggle. I know they have to struggle to become better and to learn life lessons. It is a necessary part of life.

No one knows what has been going on here at our house. None of my siblings, none of Trevor's family. No one. There's a reason for that. We were waiting to share our happy news. Waiting until everything was checked out at the doctor and given the all okay.

I was pregnant. I was terribly sick this time. More so than with any of my other pregnancies. We went to meet with a doctor early on in the pregnancy because I couldn't sleep I was so worried about the choice of doctors in Twin. We found a midwife in Shoshone who delivered at a hospital. That is a concern for me because I have such large babies and such fast deliveries that I need to be at the hospital in case complications arise. She delivers at St. Lukes Jerome by the way. If you've ever been there, it's very small and slightly scary, but that may just be the big city girl in me.

My midwife likes to wait until the end of the first trimester to do the initial first appointment, so I made an appointment and waited. My tummy started to grow and we were so excited. One night I was lying in bed and felt something move. Yes I felt the baby move! It was early! I felt Phoebe move early too. How exciting!

A week later I went in for my appointment. The questions went on and on. I'd forgotten how many they ask. At the end of the appointment I was getting ready to leave and we realized that she hadn't listened to the baby's heartbeat yet. Instead of just listening, she decided to do an ultrasound. She found the baby and as I watched the screen and her face, my heart dropped. Something wasn't right. She kept asking me lots of questions. "Are you off on your dates?" No I'm not off on my dates. The baby wasn't moving.

Side story: When I was pregnant with Logan we had a little scare. One night after we had gone to bed, I woke suddenly. I sat up and jumped out of bed. I knew something wasn't right. In the moonlight I saw that where I had been sleeping there was a pool of blood on the bed. I ran to the bathroom saying "no, no, no!" and as I sat down, the blood just poured out of me. We rushed to the ER where they did a zillion different tests on me. It was not a fun experience, but the one thing I'll always remember is seeing the ultrasound of Logan's little body. He was jumping all around inside me as if he had no idea what was going on and why were we all worried? I can't remember very well, but I think I was around the same, if not just a week or two further along.

To see this baby not moving, I knew. Of course I had hope that I was wrong and the midwife was wrong. My midwife took more blood from me and sent me on my way. She said I'd need to get my blood tested in two more days. Yes, I had to wait two more days.

It was agony. I went through every emotion, and landed on everything is going to be okay. Trevor gave me a blessing. I felt peace. I thought that meant the baby was fine. My midwife called and told me my blood results from the first test were really high! She was really excited! I was happy because everything was fine. The baby was going to be okay. I went in and had my blood drawn for a second time. She called that night with the results. "Your levels are going down. I'm so sorry honey. You're having a miscarriage."

I decided not to go for a D&C. Call me crazy, but for one thing that's just more money that we don't have. And another thing, I just wanted to feel the pain. Oh yeah, and one more thing. What if by chance all of them were wrong and I wasn't having a miscarriage after all. I wanted to let it happen if it was going to happen.

Now some of you may say "you're just being dramatic Alyson". And to that I say You've never had a miscarriage. I know in a few more weeks I'll feel better and be ready to move on. It's difficult because I hear all these other people announcing pregnancies and due around the same time I would have been. I can be happy for them. I don't understand why some people have to say the insensitive things they say though. Yes there have been a few comments and phone calls. I'm not a leper by the way. It's not catching. You can talk to me. And I am still human. I still want to go out and have fun.

I had an early miscarriage between Logan and Samantha. It was nothing like this. There was not time to bond or dream or to feel the excitement of your body changing. Not to mention how different the actual miscarriage part was. But I won't go into the gory details.

The real reason I've been struggling is because I feel so confused as to how I should be feeling. I always looked at our first miscarriage as a failed attempt to come down to earth and get a body. In my heart I always felt it was Samantha. But I am not sure how I feel about this one because I was so much further along. After talking to a few people, I decided to pray about it. I feel peace now. I feel like if I'm supposed to know the answer to this question, that some day I will. And we can't have the answers to all our questions answered right away. It's all going to be okay.

I'm so thankful to my parents who are so wise and have really helped me through this. I hope that any family members who are reading this will not hold it against me for not saying anything until now. I hope you will all understand.