Finding Me

So lately I feel like I'm drowning. I know I've talked about this in past posts. It's just that I have so much going on all the time, and I don't want to disappoint anyone, so I normally end up trying to do it all, which is normally me running on a few hours of sleep.

I love doing things for people. I guess you could say I'm a people pleaser. I'll give up my sleep and food to help out in any way I can. But this brings me back to my original point. At what cost can I keep doing this?

I think I may be toxic. Not my body, like the way I eat, but my personality. Me. I'm hurting myself by helping others. Wait. That sounds weird.

My dad was reading to me out of the book "How to hug a porcupine". Some of it really hit home with me. Like the fact that I need to put up boundaries with the people in my life that are too needy. And it's okay to say no to people, because saying yes and then complaining later is toxic. I don't need to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. And by "uncomfortable" I mean being around someone with a negative personality that has disrespectful and inconsiderate things to say.

I am a good person, and I need to stop putting myself in situations where I end up feeling frustrated and tired. I know this probably won't make sense to a lot of people reading this, but maybe it will give you some insight to my personality.

I wouldn't trade any of the experiences I have gained over the past three years. There are certain things I have had to learn that have been so hard and have made me so much better. Some sacrifices are necessary. So don't think I am complaining. Don't misunderstand. What I am saying is that I need to weed out the unnecessary, and savor the good things in life.

Wowee this month has been a bear for me. Lots of people in and out of our house staying with us. Birthdays here and there, and lots of work for me. Multiple trips to Boise, Salt Lake and Idaho Falls area. Cars breaking down here, there and everywhere. Tons of last minute projects. Paint is permanently adhered to my fingers. I swear I have been living in front of the computer. My eyes feel like they are permanently bloodshot. And my house, oh my poor house. It has NEVER been so messy. I don't feel like myself either.

Perhaps my problem is that I feel like I missed out on this summer. Where has it gone? I've been so busy that it passed us completely by. And now I'm running wildly after it trying to make it stay put.

Maybe I need a break. Logan starts school September 6th. I think we should get away. Except we don't have a car that would comfortably get us there. The AC broke on our van. Yup. Sad.

We could go camping! And we could drive at night so we won't die in the heat! Nah. It's too hard to set up a tent in the dark.

I don't know. Got any ideas out there?

I have this crazy dream of singing this song someday. It doesn't have to be with Il Divo, but can I just find four men who can SING? We'll put it together for a talent show or something. Every time I hear this song I just want to belt it out. Love it!

oh yeah, fast forward to about 1:19 where the song actually starts.

Logan's Birthday

I am now the proud parent of a SIX year old. Wow. We decided to let Logan have the birthday party of his dreams this year. He's been talking about a party for his past three birthdays, and up until now we have resisted. This year he talked us into it. Let me just say that this will be his last birthday party for a LOOONG time.

He decided he wanted a CARS party. Logan designed his photo shoot and wanted to make a special invitation. I have created a monster.

We went home again this past weekend. Home=to see our parents. While we were there we decided it was time to go visit my sister-in-law's grave. We have NEVER visited her grave. I looked back in my archives and strangely enough, this blog started exactly one day after she died.

I wish I could remember what was going on in my immature brain back then. Trevor was getting ready for finals in Law School. He decided it would be best to not go to the funeral. I wanted to go, but we would have had to buy two tickets for Logan and I. I sent my mom and sister in my place. I heard that it was a beautiful yet sad funeral. She was so young. Correct me if I am wrong, but as far as my calculations go, she was only 29 years old. 29 YEARS OLD!

Even at her young age she was very sassy and opinionated. She was a teacher and very smart. I can remember a specific time where she and Trevor got into a heated argument. Boy did she hold her own... which is saying a lot if you've ever gotten into a true argument with Trevor. She welcomed me into the family with warmth and kindness. She took me under her wing and tried to protect me. I didn't always agree with the things she did or said, but I still loved her just the same.

Sitting there around her grave, Trevor and I tried to tell our kids about their Aunt Nikole. As we sat there remembering, I looked up at Trevor and saw tears in his eyes, and I knew that mine were the same. There is something sacred about a cemetery.

Resemblance?

My parents are going on another mission. I'm happy for them, but sad at the same time. I'll miss them. My dad was organizing some things in preparation for their departure and came across some old slides and negatives. He decided to convert them over so we can actually do something with them all. All these years I didn't think I had a lot of pictures of myself when I was young, and I was wrong! I look like my girls! I am so happy!

I am the littlest one on the right sitting on my dad's lap.
Again, me on the right and my sister Alysa on the left. Yes twins if you didn't know.




What in the world were my parents thinking with this shirt? I look like Little Orphan Annie!