Ah crap.

I'm so overwhelmed at the amount of blogging I am behind in that I am now just avoiding it. I really have a lot to say, but for now I'll try to sum it up. We had two birthdays in August. School started in August. Samantha and Phoebe both learned to ride a bike without training wheels in August. We had another round of swimming lessons. Our parents anniversaries and numerous extended family birthdays. Sang in church with my sisters. Trevor finally got the ac in the van fixed! Boo-yah on that one!  Decorated a major event and did a good job using weeds as centerpieces (I can only take the credit for the idea on this, but good job Kaitlin and Megan!). I have so much more to say, but I can catch it all up another time. 

Violated

Today has been just about the worst day I've had in a really looooong time. Really. Pretty bad. The cherry on top though... the icing on the cake... tonight while organizing the garage I found a wonderful treasure; a mouse had made a nest in a tote of sweet little 18 month old girls clothes. He/she had nestled deep inside and pooped and pottied all over. Not only that, but the mouse had also decided that my sweet little clothes smelled so good,  they must taste good too. That mouse had better hide, because as of right now this means war. That mouse is gonna be dead meat.

out for a ride

Phoebe just said to me "but mom, the thing I don't like about swimming lessons is I just don't like them"

What's Mine is Yours

I'm publishing this post against my better judgement. It's deeply personal. If you get embarrassed easily at reading people's deep thoughts, read no further.

I was at a friend's house this week taking photos of her newborn baby. My friend's story is one of both heartache and joy. It's similar to mine. It's similar to a lot of women's stories. 

After her first healthy pregnancy, she and her husband decided it was time for baby number two. They started trying. After a year of not getting pregnant, they went the route of a fertility doctor. Another year and a half went by, and then a miracle: they were pregnant with triplets! Their joy was enormous. She was twelve weeks pregnant when at a routine doctor's visit she was given the news that two of the babies had passed away. The third baby was still healthy and growing strong. Can you imagine? Maybe you can't. I really think until I had gone through this myself, that I really couldn't understand what this loss feels like. 

While taking pictures of her perfectly healthy newborn boy, our conversation turned to the babies we had lost. Both of us were in tears at the pain we still feel over losing our babies. I could tell she was still trying to figure out just how she felt about her loss though. It got me thinking that I'm pretty sure I've never written about what I've learned through this journey. 

I think the most important question that we mothers ask after the loss of a pregnancy is if that was that child's earthly experience. We want to know. We want to know if we have to wait a lifetime to hold that baby in our arms. We want to KNOW. It's vitally important. 

I think the best advice I got after our miscarriage was from my Dad: "If you want to know the answer Alyson, pray about it. You will know. If you want to know that badly, you will know someday. Just have faith."

The worst advice I got was "Oh you didn't lose your baby, you weren't far enough along." The people that treated me as if I were acting dramatic and crazy are the ones I shied away from. I couldn't be around anyone who acted as if I should just get over it. Having had an early miscarriage and a 12 week miscarriage, there is a huge difference between the two. And yes, while they both hurt, the latter of the two was even more painful.

Just as my dad told me to pray and have faith, I did. I prayed multiple times a day about this. I was worried about my baby. I know that sounds weird, but I wanted to know if I would get a second chance to carry him in my body; to hold him in my arms. 

I don't claim to have all the answers, or know what the heck I'm talking about all the time, but I've come to the conclusion that there is no solid answer to this question. This is because we all have free agency!! Even as spirits we get to make choices! I'm not saying that all miscarriages are babies getting their bodies and that's that. I'm saying that all spirits coming to this earth get to make choices. Even if that means getting a second chance.

I'm not going to share how Trevor and I know we lost our baby in this life, because it's just too personal and not something I want to share here. It hurts more than I could ever be able to explain to know that one of my babies is missing. I think about him all the time. I think about what might have been. I look at the gap between Phoebe and Carter and see where he should be. 

I hope that after reading this you don't think I've gone off the deep end. This post has come straight from my heart. If you are making fun of me right now, we probably shouldn't be friends anymore. Okay, I'm kidding. It just means you don't understand, because you've never experienced what I have. Thanks for reading all of this. Now go press play and have a good weeping session like I just did.

p.s. The first verse of this song is just so touching to me. It gets me every time. Just change the nine months to 12 weeks and you've got the story just about right. Man that was a long 45 minute car ride home all by myself.