What a difference a year makes! Carter is now three!!! He wanted a birthday like everyone else, and I so so badly wanted him to have it. This boy has my heart for so many tender reasons. I did my best to give him a normal birthday meal of hamburgers. He had a gluten free bun, patty and pickles. He ate the bun and pickles, but was so happy! I made him a gluten free cake and chocolate coconut cream frosting. He blew out the candles at least six different times, and loved it. He got rainbow sherbet ice cream to go with his cake, but in the end ate only the frosting.

So why am I tearing up right now? There were so many worry-filled days, weeks, moments... I feel like it was 10 years, not just one. This will sound dramatic, but I feel like his life is just so fragile. Much more fragile than normal. I can't explain my feelings about it, but a year ago, I really was just soo sooo worried. Carter was withering away to nothing, and no one would listen to my concerns. He would just lay down all the time, rarely playing standing up. Or if he was standing up, he would be leaning on something as if he had no strength. Not to mention the constant stream of diarrhea that smelled horribly of vomit and burned on contact.

I'm so glad for the day I took him back to the doctor and wouldn't take no for an answer. I just don't know how they could have thought that a kid could have a stomach bug for 6 months. No no no.

Today, he is thriving. He is our light. He is crazy and funny and sings all day long and has a memory like a computer, like Trevor, but for music. He remembers everything. I'm so grateful for the blessing of being referred to the specialist who has helped us figure out how to help him.

He doesn't get to eat many things, but Carter never ever ever complains. I still worry about him many times a day. I have to watch him for signs constantly. It has only happened a few times, but his face turns white, his lips have absolutely no color, as well as his eyes, and even though his eyes may be open, no one is home. His head gets all bobbily too. Like, he can't keep it up. Like he is about to pass out. When this happens, I grab whatever sugary food I can find and shove it down his throat. Normally ice cream or chocolate almond milk. It's scary, but he comes back and is fine.

I love my Carter. He has a special place in my heart, even though he has trimmed at least 20 years off my life, I'd gladly give him more just to get to experience life with him.

Polishing, polishing.

Every time I drive past the court house in town,  I get a lump in my throat.

I tear up when I think about Trevor working in Twin.

I discovered tonight, while driving to town by myself in the dark to go grocery shopping, that I have some feelings I need to address.

I have to admit, I didn't want Trevor to take the job in Twin. I feel ungrateful saying it. I don't have the right to have that feeling, because I told him that I would support him, no matter what he decided. But he chose wrong!!!

And I'm torn knowing that for now, this was right for him, because I don't want it to be. It means more sacrifice for me and also for our kids. It means less time to work on the house, and less time to spend with him. It means he will be more tired; leaving earlier and getting home late. I get to parent by myself and help with homework and just do things by myself.

It's just hitting me this week what I'm in for, and I'm really trying to be okay. I think I will be, but it doesn't feel fair. I feel like we were robbed of something that should have been ours.

And again, there is that torn feeling. I know it wasn't ever ours to begin with, and if it was supposed to happen, it would have. I'm trying not to look back at what might have been, and instead look forward for what is coming.

Heavenly Father must have something absolutely amazing in store for us, for all of this crazy, rocky and winding road he has guided us through.

Some day, I hope to be done with this road though.  I feel tired and worn out. Haven't I been polished enough? I don't think there could possibly be many more rough spots left on me.

Whirlwind Weekend

Well, I have a lot of things I need to work on, so I've decided. I'm a big, ungrateful, stupid, jerk.

And that's that.

We blocked the basement. It included Jacks and other items, but now the upstairs floor is level. Yay. And the gas furnace is no more. Double yay.

And vents and ducting are a huge, crazy stupid gigantic pain in the rear end to take out.

And old water in pipes stinks.

But I've become a master stucco-er because all the plastic came down over the weekend,  and the new stucco is sooooo nice and seamless!

Sorry for the cryptic blog tonight. I'm tired, and coming down with a cold. Also, my camera may or may not be broken. This is still to be determined. It's frustrating being shy and wanting people to like me and be my friend, but know that I don't deserve it because I'm not friendly enough and say really stupid put-my-foot-in-my-mouth comments.

There ya go. The rambling thoughts of Alyson at 1:30 am.

Good night.

Well fetch. I just deleted this post and now I have to rewrite it. That was dumb.

I was at a thrift store in town and saw these amazing mirrors with the coolest frames ever made. I'm not a fan of the gold, and I'd redo that, but I need your opinions.

What do you think about me putting them side by side in my master bathroom? Nah? Maybe just put one on its side? Maybe put one in my living room? Forget it all together?

I have also compiled a list of photos that illustrate what I am talking about. Just scroll down and then leave a comment telling me what you think!

And one more thing, I know they don't look that big in the photo, but they are huge. Really.

Stuck on Stucco

Guys, I finished the stucco for the year!

I will stand while you clap

*bowing*

*and more bowing*

I am so tired. I am physically and emotionally exhausted right now. It's photo season, scouts just started back up, Trevor just started a new job working a lot more hours- making him much less available to help, and I feel like the weight of everything is on me.

And trust me Mom, I am giving it all over to the Lord.

Now, because I know you are asking yourself "Self, I wonder how she put up stucco with those two little boys?", let me tell you how this goes down.

So I normally put up a camping chair for Carter to sit in, and we have an old fashioned crib/bassinet that I sit Will in next to him. This is out in the dirt of the backyard where I'm working. Will normally cries and tries to get out, and sometimes faceplants into the dirt, but I just put him back in. It takes about 5 hours for me to apply one batch of stucco by myself. This is with me regularly rewetting and mixing the stucco so it will not set up before I can get it on the house.

Yesterday Will went three hours past when he should have eaten because I was on such a tight schedule, I couldn't stop. I had stucco, scouts, and a photo shoot. I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was too much.

Anyway, there is some insight into my life for you.

Well then...

I've said it before and I'll say it again

Life never turns out like you expect, and you would be shortchanging yourself to fight against your life plan.

My advice: sit back and enjoy the ride

Also, be open to life's challenges. They are happening to you for a reason, and you will most likely not feel grateful for a very long time, but you WILL eventually see the reason behind it, and you will be grateful.

And now some news: we've had an unexpected and unplanned job change. It's so crazy and I'm still trying to make sense of what this means for us. We are still living here in Gooding,  and still plugging along on the house. I still cannot wait to move into the house, and it may be sooner rather than later. We just are not sure if Gooding is where we will grow our roots deep.  Only time will tell.

Little Pieces

Is it normal to feel like every time I drop my kids off at their first day of school, I left half of my heart there with them? Does the feeling ever go away? I don't think I want it too. It would be nice if it didn't hurt so much though...

The House Trots

This post is about a week late, but we worked hard last weekend and we were able to get a few things done.

Like,  oh I don't know,  the FRONT WINDOWS!!!!!

YEAH! GET EXCITED !!!

Also, the subfloor in the laundry and kids' room.

But, back to the window, 'cause that's all you want to hear about. It was HEA------VY! I mean, we were going to take it straight out the front down a short ladder and to the grass, but I am so grateful that we didn't. Not kidding, someone would have gotten hurt... me. I could not even lift it!!! I swear! So Trevor lifted his side down, and then ran over and lifted mine down.  Then we drug it over to the dumpster and somehow got it in. I am not kidding about how heavy this window was. It was insane. And then we smashed the glass. That felt nice.