Phoebe just said to me "but mom, the thing I don't like about swimming lessons is I just don't like them"

What's Mine is Yours

I'm publishing this post against my better judgement. It's deeply personal. If you get embarrassed easily at reading people's deep thoughts, read no further.

I was at a friend's house this week taking photos of her newborn baby. My friend's story is one of both heartache and joy. It's similar to mine. It's similar to a lot of women's stories. 

After her first healthy pregnancy, she and her husband decided it was time for baby number two. They started trying. After a year of not getting pregnant, they went the route of a fertility doctor. Another year and a half went by, and then a miracle: they were pregnant with triplets! Their joy was enormous. She was twelve weeks pregnant when at a routine doctor's visit she was given the news that two of the babies had passed away. The third baby was still healthy and growing strong. Can you imagine? Maybe you can't. I really think until I had gone through this myself, that I really couldn't understand what this loss feels like. 

While taking pictures of her perfectly healthy newborn boy, our conversation turned to the babies we had lost. Both of us were in tears at the pain we still feel over losing our babies. I could tell she was still trying to figure out just how she felt about her loss though. It got me thinking that I'm pretty sure I've never written about what I've learned through this journey. 

I think the most important question that we mothers ask after the loss of a pregnancy is if that was that child's earthly experience. We want to know. We want to know if we have to wait a lifetime to hold that baby in our arms. We want to KNOW. It's vitally important. 

I think the best advice I got after our miscarriage was from my Dad: "If you want to know the answer Alyson, pray about it. You will know. If you want to know that badly, you will know someday. Just have faith."

The worst advice I got was "Oh you didn't lose your baby, you weren't far enough along." The people that treated me as if I were acting dramatic and crazy are the ones I shied away from. I couldn't be around anyone who acted as if I should just get over it. Having had an early miscarriage and a 12 week miscarriage, there is a huge difference between the two. And yes, while they both hurt, the latter of the two was even more painful.

Just as my dad told me to pray and have faith, I did. I prayed multiple times a day about this. I was worried about my baby. I know that sounds weird, but I wanted to know if I would get a second chance to carry him in my body; to hold him in my arms. 

I don't claim to have all the answers, or know what the heck I'm talking about all the time, but I've come to the conclusion that there is no solid answer to this question. This is because we all have free agency!! Even as spirits we get to make choices! I'm not saying that all miscarriages are babies getting their bodies and that's that. I'm saying that all spirits coming to this earth get to make choices. Even if that means getting a second chance.

I'm not going to share how Trevor and I know we lost our baby in this life, because it's just too personal and not something I want to share here. It hurts more than I could ever be able to explain to know that one of my babies is missing. I think about him all the time. I think about what might have been. I look at the gap between Phoebe and Carter and see where he should be. 

I hope that after reading this you don't think I've gone off the deep end. This post has come straight from my heart. If you are making fun of me right now, we probably shouldn't be friends anymore. Okay, I'm kidding. It just means you don't understand, because you've never experienced what I have. Thanks for reading all of this. Now go press play and have a good weeping session like I just did.

p.s. The first verse of this song is just so touching to me. It gets me every time. Just change the nine months to 12 weeks and you've got the story just about right. Man that was a long 45 minute car ride home all by myself.

What happens when carter plays with the phone

I was looking through my phone and found this photo of carter that logan made. He told me he thinks carter looks sweet.

Ummmmm?

You know you have a serious problem when batting clogs up your circular saw. Lol! I learned a valuable lesson: Don't mix sewing with woodworking.

A bed... finally!

What is wrong with this picture? I'll tell you. I just need to paint and distress the side rails and find where the other pillow cases are hiding in a box. Other than that,  I'm finally done!!!!!

Be Still

Spots?

A few days ago a family in our ward invited us over for dinner. They have nine children and are totally cool. I'll get to that in a second. The littlest girl was infatuated with something about my face,  and stared and stared and finally crept over and sat next to me. Then she reached up and just as she was going to touch my face she said " what's all over your face?"

I could hardly keep from laughing. I smiled and said " haven't you ever seen freckles before?" Then I showed her my arms and legs and how I have freckles everywhere. It was cute.

But here's how this family is super cool... they have a shooting range and dirt bike track in THEIR BACKYARD!!!

AMAZING!!!!

Anyway, this is turning out to be the perfect place for us. And we get to go ride dirt bikes next week!!!! Fun!!

I'm including a picture of my current freckles. This is for posterity.

Like a Tornado

Life is like a tornado. I feel bad I don't have more time to write anything, but this picture will have to be enough for now.