Mini and Me

After Trevor leaves for work in the morning I sometimes crawl back into bed. I don't go back to sleep. I turn the tv on and watch the morning news in the quiet of the house. Sometimes I'm joined by my mini-me. She tip-toes into the room. "Mommy" she loudly whispers, "are you awake?" I open up the covers and she climbs underneath. We cuddle and talk. She's hilarious. It's a whole other side of her than most people see. We have quite a bit in common.  

Lemonade

Logan has been begging to do a lemonade stand. After talking to him about his teacher who is sick with cancer, he decided to do a lemonade stand and give the money to his teacher since "she has lots of doctors bills Mom."

I decided we weren't going to do the gross lemonade in a packet, so I got a cheap box of lemons from Bountiful Baskets. Logan squeezed and squeezed the lemons ALL DAY LONG. All the while he talked about how excited Mrs C. was going to be when she saw all the money he was going to give her. We made signs from the dollar store and staked them in the ground with duct tape and croquet hoops. Trust me, it was all on the cheap.

We also made and sold chocolate chip cookies, brownies and cinnamon rolls. Logan was up helping me get everything ready until 1:00 in the morning. He was truly dedicated.

POST EDIT: I forgot to tell you how much we raised. SEVENTY DOLLARS!!! OK. I know it's not that much, but for a lemonade stand, I think that's pretty good.

Happy Mothers Day!

Gotta love it when you are all out of ideas and have no idea what to do for Mom for Mothers Day. That's when you get out your camera. What mom can resist a picture. Am I right? I melt every time I see a new one. Professional or not. 

Don't they look thrilled? LOL!

I can't get blogger to update my blog. It's not showing up on the feed. Maybe if I post something new.

I'm baaaaaack!

It's funny how many people noticed the absence of my blog. Yes I made it private so that only I could read it. I am struggling. I feel very vulnerable. I didn't feel like being so vulnerable, so I took it away for a few days.

I have tried to make my blog a place where I can come to be honest, funny, loving and real; a safe place for me to put my innermost feelings. But even here on my blog I feel judged. I know. Stupid, right?

I'm learning something very interesting about people lately. We are very hard on each other and ourselves. I don't think the Savior wanted us to be this way.

I've had a hard year. It has been a struggle for me. I know that a few people have formed the opinion that I call the shots around here. HA! Very funny. Anyone that truly knows me and knows Trevor knows that this could not POSSIBLY be the case. Here's the deal. My Trevor has a very kind heart and wants so much to help me and protect me that he has put me first and sacrificed a lot the past year to take care of me. It probably comes across as me calling the shots, but trust me when I say it is not that way. I don't know how I would have survived without Trevor by my side, but he is definitely in charge.

But let's go back to my latest discovery. Why do we feel justified to judge each other? Why is it human nature to be so cruel. It truly is very interesting to me.

I look at Samantha and am reminded about how far I've come in life. I was Samantha. Quiet. Reserved. Scared. Afraid to live life. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of looking stupid. I was the kid that got picked on. I felt stupid because that's what I was told I was; I mean I was stupid compared to my twin sister. I was boring and she was fun. I was quiet and she was loud. I wasn't as spiritual. I was ugly compared to her. I was in her shadow and I felt trapped.

I fight these feelings constantly; I think I always will. But it is something I am so proud to have come from. I never would have thought I'd ever be able to do normal things because of the low opinion I had of myself. I had to fight my way out of the place I had stuck myself to become someone I could be proud of.

I tell you all this because of a promise I made to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't hide anymore. When I started this blog I decided I would always lay my feelings open for everyone to see. I had to do it to hold myself accountable and to fight for the person I have become.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this train of thought, but if you've made it this far without skimming, good for you! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Ok, here's a final thought for everyone. Why don't you all try to love someone this week whom in the past has been someone you have had a hard time with. The point being that we don't know what that person is going through, or where that person has been. Let's not be so hard on each other.

This was not a good week for me. It started off ok, but a less than stellar trip to the park with people being obtusely insensitive and talking about how excited and happy they were to be pregnant kind of left me feeling empty.

It all came to a head yesterday and really became more than I can bear. I don't need to go into details. I'm tired of being a spectacle and a one man show for everyone to gawk at and whisper about. I'm having a bad life, and a few comments and encouraging words every now and then on the blog would be helpful. Instead everyone comes to read, but no one comments. So no more of that. I'm tired of feeling alone and unsupported and unloved. I may be a train wreck, but I'm not a spectacle.

{Post Edit} This is Alyson 11/14/13 I am going back through my blog and posting old posts I had that I never published. Kinda funny to read them now and sad at the same time. I was a complete mess back then.

I saw my baby. I saw his face. I had a conversation with him.

"When can I come?"

"Don't forget about me."

People keep asking why I'm taking this so hard. Really, that has a large part to do with it.

There are other things too. Like a line from my Patriarchal Blessing that makes me want to scream.

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit at home and think about what happened. I don't. I have three awesome kids to take care of.

But I really am feeling better.

Everyone is pregnant.

I am sad.

I am not pregnant.

I should be pregnant.

I was pregnant.

I'm feeling sad today.

It's okay to be sad.

I won't be sad tomorrow.

That is all.